(It's December...)
I know
(What are you doing? Why are you still here)
You know.
(... you are nothing, nothing, nothing swaying in the wind)
And you'd be nothing, if it weren't for me.
(Yes. But you'd be lower than nothing if it weren't for me.
You'd be dead.
You'd have given up years ago
and drunken yourself sick
and puked yourself dead
and burned yourself down.
I'm far from your sanity,
but I hold more of it than you.)
Oh, leave me alone.
(Gladly)
...
...
...
Where are you?
(Everybody leaves.)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Turning points
Monday, December 21, 2009
I'm writing this because it feels like a turning point in my life.
I've realized a certain amount of things:
a) It's all about choosing the right people
b) Things don't change unless you make them change, even with a clean slate
c) Being lonely doesn't suck half as much as you think it would. At least, compared to being unhappy.
And specifically?
a) I'm still not over him. Fffml. Part of me hopes that he still likes me and will ask me out. It's been years. I broke it off. He's too old for me. His brother liked me. He liked her. I hardly ever see him. FUCK ME.
b) I met a guy. Actually, I met him years ago... so, I remet a guy. A funny, sweet, nice guy. With a great bod. I'm circling him, flirting with him and feeling all the exhileration. What's holding me back? Look at a. I keep comparing and nothing can compare.
c) Nobody likes her as much as I thought they did. I always told myself that one day, they'd get sick of her ways... guess that hapenned long ago.
d) Why did I fall behind, why was I left out? I didn't play the game. She said it was because I confronted. True. But mostly it was because I didn't play the game. I hate playing games. I'm alright with being left behind.
e) We're all so sick of each other. But none of us has the courage to leave. Ha.
f) The reason why sec 4 was so damn good was because nobody played the game. Huh. What the fuck do you know.
g) Peggy was right. Things fuck up when you do them out of fear, out of insecurity, etc. Bad emotions should never drive you. Don't let the ugly parts take over.
h) Everybody has ugly parts. Everybody has weak parts. It's a matter of whether or not you let them take over.
Things that have changed:
a) I'm okay with being on the outside. I'm not okay with being weak. Yay. One day, I hope I don't have to choose.
b) I'm still weak. I'm still afraid. It's still hard. But it's okay, because I'm human and those things will never change.
c) There's a new guy on the horizon. I'm scared shitless.
d) I'm patching things up with her. Things will never be the way they were... and I'm glad.
e) I might be enterring a new, older crowd. Weirdly enough, my brother's crowd. Lmao.
f) I don't care as much as I used to. Whether it be about school, other people's opinion, etc. Huh. Can't tell if this is good or bad.
g) I'm getting mighty fucking pissed at my parents lately. Not a good thing, but at least I'm letting my feelings out instead of keeping the locked in.
It's halfway through sec 5. I'm not as eager as I was to get out. I figure I'll just cruise along for the ride and when I'm gone, I'm gone.
No regrets.
I've realized a certain amount of things:
a) It's all about choosing the right people
b) Things don't change unless you make them change, even with a clean slate
c) Being lonely doesn't suck half as much as you think it would. At least, compared to being unhappy.
And specifically?
a) I'm still not over him. Fffml. Part of me hopes that he still likes me and will ask me out. It's been years. I broke it off. He's too old for me. His brother liked me. He liked her. I hardly ever see him. FUCK ME.
b) I met a guy. Actually, I met him years ago... so, I remet a guy. A funny, sweet, nice guy. With a great bod. I'm circling him, flirting with him and feeling all the exhileration. What's holding me back? Look at a. I keep comparing and nothing can compare.
c) Nobody likes her as much as I thought they did. I always told myself that one day, they'd get sick of her ways... guess that hapenned long ago.
d) Why did I fall behind, why was I left out? I didn't play the game. She said it was because I confronted. True. But mostly it was because I didn't play the game. I hate playing games. I'm alright with being left behind.
e) We're all so sick of each other. But none of us has the courage to leave. Ha.
f) The reason why sec 4 was so damn good was because nobody played the game. Huh. What the fuck do you know.
g) Peggy was right. Things fuck up when you do them out of fear, out of insecurity, etc. Bad emotions should never drive you. Don't let the ugly parts take over.
h) Everybody has ugly parts. Everybody has weak parts. It's a matter of whether or not you let them take over.
Things that have changed:
a) I'm okay with being on the outside. I'm not okay with being weak. Yay. One day, I hope I don't have to choose.
b) I'm still weak. I'm still afraid. It's still hard. But it's okay, because I'm human and those things will never change.
c) There's a new guy on the horizon. I'm scared shitless.
d) I'm patching things up with her. Things will never be the way they were... and I'm glad.
e) I might be enterring a new, older crowd. Weirdly enough, my brother's crowd. Lmao.
f) I don't care as much as I used to. Whether it be about school, other people's opinion, etc. Huh. Can't tell if this is good or bad.
g) I'm getting mighty fucking pissed at my parents lately. Not a good thing, but at least I'm letting my feelings out instead of keeping the locked in.
It's halfway through sec 5. I'm not as eager as I was to get out. I figure I'll just cruise along for the ride and when I'm gone, I'm gone.
No regrets.
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